Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in memaryam's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, March 12th, 2006
3:29 pm	pretty much the end Hiyo, so as many of you have noticed, my LJ updates have been pretty scarce, and pretty crappy. The reason is that I don't really feel like writing here anymore. When I started this blog, i felt very unsettled at nights and i needed to do something before i slept; and i really felt like i had something to say. Right now, I feel more settled at nights. And I no longer feel the need to express my self here, in this form. And that is why my recent posts have been bland, and a little bit forced. So I am officially announcing that i will no longer update this blog. Well, i mean i still may come back to it if a night calls for such a thing. But i would concider this place deserted most of the time. Now i still would like to let people know what i am doing or have them ask me what i am doing, but for that lets resort to more personal methods such as emails (ha! never thought emails would be more personal than anything but here we are.) ok, so this is the end. Thank you for coming here. It has been fun. Goodbye. Maryam :o) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
7:49 pm	I am cold. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 24th, 2006
12:45 am	an update for friends whom i haven't seen in a while. i am ok. I have a nice newn haircut. I am lacking in guitar practice. Oreo was left alone for 4 days with only an hour of visit a day by my good friend Narges. She washed all our dirty dishes when i was away and played with oreo. Lab is fun. As usual, i am writing beofre sleeping so the only thing i can think of saying is how exhausted i am. I am looking forward to VAGANZA. I miss friends. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
11:48 pm	Maryam goes to NJ again. I finally cooked tonight. I hadn't cooked in so long and my diet was bad. too many sweet things. But i finally cooked some nice vegetables, rice and kebabs and had a nice dinner. To top it off, for desert, i had vanilla yogurt and all sorts of nuts and raisins and grainy things mixed into it. It was delicious. i am really exhausted. I always read my book before sleeping. But i havnt advanced all that much on "A short history..." because most nights i am just too exhausted to read anything. I often wake up in the middle of the night and find my book open on me or next too me. The thing is i really want to finish this book and move on. It has been a month and a half now sicne i started this! I guess i have had a pretty busy month and a half. And also, next weekend i am going to NJ again to see my family. I wil be gone saturday and will be back tuesday. Havent had enough time to play with oreo. I feel that he is feeling disconnected. patience oreo patience. I am ok otherwise. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 13th, 2006
12:39 am	this one is anotehr rant again. so we were playing werewolf at the the lodge where i spent the weekend skiing with labmates. I made a terrible villager, accusing the wrong people, unsound line of logic etc. I made an even worse werewolf, shuffling in my seat, blatantly defending the other werewolf; I have a point, just bare with me. I am quite self-concious. I always point out my mind's limitations to myself. This game served to remind me once again of those limitations. And you may say I am selling myslef short, you may say this is a low self-esteem issue. But believe me, it is coming from neither. I am just reporting what i observe about myself. And what i observe is my mind wobbling when it tries to follow a given line of logic too far deep. I am aware that i am not a moron, I do consider myself intelligent. But I also see that I am not all that intelligent. I am mediocre/good. And that is the set of cards I have been dealt and I have no problem with them. I am just saying, i see my minds limitations. I guess on some levels when i see this, it surprises me, because just about until the age of 12, I was convinced that I could get into MENSA with my eyes closed. But also , I do believe that intelligence, or analytical thinking, aren't strictly something that you are born with. The mind can be trained. Especially during childhood. I look back at my childhood. I had a great time. I was a happy kid. But I don't see where I was challenged. When did i solve a problem? when did i learn a new skill? I feel like I never really learned to learn. Did I ever follow through? on the slopes this weekend, when i was struggling to balance myself on the snowboard, i saw all these tiny little kids gliding down the hill with such ease. they were so young, they looked like they could barely walk. And i saw the teenagers and their energy. When I was their age, instead of learning to ski, or to play guitar or whatever, i was learning the language, the culture. My mom wasn't in the position to think whether or not i should take piano lessons, she had bigger things to worry about. and i don't say this with resentment or a sense of pity. I am just tryiong to understand where i stand right now. and why I have this urgent and pressing need to catch up. which of course brings me to say that I think i will pick up snowboarding as a new hobby. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
5:15 am	tipsy rant So the summit is over. It was so much fun. I was so excited. There was planning, and emails back and forth and worrying about details....generally so busy, and fun. Then there was the event itself. Glorious. exciting , again. Funny. Then there was the after party. And now, it's all over. And i feel highly unsatisfied. I guess i just get such a huge rush from planning things. And having something to look forward to. But i woke up this morning and i had nothing left to look forward to. So i thought i should ease myself into the mundane by havign a busy saturday. which i did. which is why i am up now. and luckily next week is busy too. every night has already been planned out. and i am going on a ski trip after all. But its just not the same. The next big thing is Vaganza. I NEED to have things to do. constantly. otherwise i get sad. so yeah, this whole thing made me get pissed off at Time again. And i can only fight it with packing in as many things as i can. The busier you are the more you can stretch Time. I hate the fucking bastard. snatches away everything. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
6:29 am	Of the elections, the party, and the hobo who refused my apple. the party: We had a party saturday night. And unlike the first party we had, it wasnt too crowded so i actually got to see people and talk to them. I got so happy everytime i saw a new person who made it to the party and i had such a good time just takling about random things to random people. I laughed so much and had random outbursts of dancing. Oreo did't run away. I like to think he even entertained the guests. And people hung out in my room. I LOVE it when people hang out in my room. I just love it. We made pasta at around 2 in the morining and Hadley adn Pooyan managed to make a really good sause out of spices, mushroom soup and V8! people hung out till around 330 and when i woke up the next day, I couldnt stop smiling for a good couple of hours. I just had such a good time. There is one thing that I reger though. I tried to hang out everybody who toook the time to come out and i really enjoyed talking to them. There was only one person who i really wanted to talk to more but didnt get the chance to do so. Everytime, i tried to make my way towards themi got distarcted on the way or once i reached them i was called away adn then forgot to go back. ANd that person is King Casey. So Kevin, if you are out there reading this message. I am sorry. I really wish i had talked to you more. But I'll see you soon right? at the summit or the party afterwards?. The other thing that i noticed was that i really felt the absence of three people: Meoin, Sean and Dustin. I guess because they are all out of town now and i dont get to see them anymore. I do miss you guys. The politics: I have been eligible to vote for two elections now and both times i have performed my duty. The first time, i voted liberal. Didn't necessarily know what i was doing (not that i regret it necessarily). The second time, I voted NDP. Knew a little better what i was doing but not by much. I am happy that i was more informed this time but that info mostly came from word of mouth. I hope that next time around, I'll do more of my own research. But either way, I am pretty damn disapointed with the results. I dont like teh conservatives. I am hoping (and this is most likely of course) that the fact that they are a minority goverment will help keep them in check. I guess now we wait and see. The hobo: i was coming to my mom's tonight from a friends house. WHen i left the friends house, she gave me an apple. When i was waiting for the bus, a hobo, Gary, approached me. He asked me for changed nad told me how hungry he was and how he wasnt gonna hurt me he just wanted some change and when he said this his voice ccracked adn for a second i thought that the liquid running down his nose were tears and not nose goo. But i had no change, I showed him my key so he would know that the change sound was from the keys. Then I offered him the apple. Poor hungry Gary could use an apple. But to my surprise he refused it. He walked away, saw that there was no one around, came back to me and politely, but persistantly asked me to check my pants pockets just in case. I found a quarter and gave it to him. He asked me to check the other pocket. I offered the apple again. He rationalized that the apple wasn't gonna do him good; he was hungry, he needed a large meal. I said teh apple could be a start. He walked away making the "neeeeeuuuch" sound with his mouth. Frankly, I was a little hurt. He could've at least taken the apple so that we could both keep the illusion. oh my look at the time. I should sleep. (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
6:22 pm	update i can now play Hurt on my guitar half-assedly. I could "sing" with it too. But out of respect for the song...and humanity, I won't. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 13th, 2006
12:15 am	p.s. ok so i like johnny cash. This song, Hurt, I just heard it for the first time a couple of days ago. So far, at least two times out of the times that i have heard it, it has made me go on my bed, go under the blankets, assume the fetal position, and just listen. My point is, its a good song. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 12th, 2006
9:04 pm	I have a foggy brain so i am at the lab now. Its nine so yes this would be considered a pretty late night. But there are three other people here who are also staying late, taking care of their gels and DNA and proteins. And we just had pizza delivered to our lab! It was nice. really hitg the spot. I will be done soon though. maybe another 30 minutes. this monday i will have my second lab presentation where i present my own stuff. i dare say i am pretty hard working, but i must say that at this point in time, i would have hoped to have more to show for it. But then again maybe i am working hard BECAUSE my results arent working out the way i like them too. I dont mind though, i dont mind repeating experiments, fine-tuning them and really taking care of them. Its just disapointing when you try adjustign pretty much every step of your experiment and you still gert funny results... and you simply cant explain why. Both luckily and somewhat disapointingly, i thikn the core or teh hypothesis has always been right, its just the technical mechanical part that isnt working optimally. But that will get fixed eventually right? I have been here for 6 months. they better get fixed soon. Overall, though, I am pretty damn happy with things. On another topic, I am sorry if i dont post very often and that irritates you. I have a hard time finding things to say. and often times when i could say something, i end up realizing that its really not worth saying so i dont say it. I often feel that way in conversations too. not today though, i guess, huh. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 8th, 2006
10:37 pm	Bill Bryson makes things very easy. who knew reading about the discovery of dinasurs would be a page turner? I must admit though that while his style makes things very easy, the little objective scientist voice in my head critisizes him for sensationalizing events and not reporting teh facts in a more forward dry (and presumably more objective) manner. ok guitar. I am so excited about my guitar. At times i really feel like the outcome of my guitar lessons will make or break me. I NEED to follow through on this one. I NEED to learn how to play. I want to be able to play with other peolpe. It's funny because when i tell people who dont know me what i study and what i do, i sometimes get a reaction along the lines of "ooh that souns complicated". But I have no sense of acomplishment there. Not that i dont like my studies or enjoy them, i just dont feel like i have accomplished somethign hard. I dont think i have worked that hard for it. But with the guitar. I get such a rush everytime my barre chords dont sound buzzy. Sometimes, when i play something right i get so excited that i fuck up the rest of the song. adn i get so nervous playing in front of other people, i just fuck up. But yeah. I take this whole guitar business very personally. ok improv. I like imrpov. i like watching it. but i have lost all desire to be on stage.At least for now, I feel no pull towards it. i dont miss performing. I still want to be involved with it though. i just rather be back stage. which i realize doesnt necessarily make sense. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
5:59 pm	there is a storm in my brain i am now 23. I am reading a short history of nearly everything. I read edible women over the holidays. Enjoyed it greatly. I am going to be busy until the end of january. with lab stuff that is. Seminar coming up. and results need to be had. My vacation was fun. bad timing though in terms of work. but nice to see family. I puked on new years day and not because of drinking...it was a lot of puke! Guitar is coming along well. Oreo stayed with me the whole night when i got back. Even though i had left him for mroe than a week. who says cats are ingrateful bastards? I am running a gel now and am writing this in the meantime. My seminar will be about gene therapy against HIV. Its very interesting. perhaps it deserves its own entry when i get the time. I feel like going to brunch with improv buddies again but wont happen for a long while. i made humus in less than 5 minutes last night... ok now i am just babbling. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
12:33 am	all is well. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 12th, 2005
7:39 pm	sooo salty! I had a good dinner but so many olives! I just ate 6 fat ones. I just cant finish the two remaining ones. I tell you I cant! this is torture! oh god! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
11:59 pm	alrighty, lets do this tag thing. i have been tagged meaning that i have to state five wierd things about myself and then pass the tag along to five other people. ok so things i find are sorta off about me, in no particular order of wierdness: 1. I obsessively have to wash my hands everytime i touch Oreo. Its not even a real wash most of the time. I just have to have water run through my fingers no matter how briefly or ineffectually (that is a word right?) 2. oh yeah, i make up words when i dont immediately find teh word that i am looking for. 3. Before falling asleep, if you talk to me, you will hear a lot of incoherent nonsense. 4. when i walk down the street and i see someone i know, i always look away (unless i am pretty damn close to the person or specially like them). yeah so I pretty much never stop to say hello and if i do, its a very awkward, shy hello. And the main reason is that i just assume that those people eitehr dont remmeber me or dont care to waste time. (i agree on this second point, i hate small talk). 5.I am obssessed with www.sillytech.com I rather not send this tag to 5 other people. In other news, all is well. I sucked ass at guitar practice today. I can't find Oreo's laser. Next week is going to be busy at work. I am just about ready for Claudius the God to end. I think i liked I, Claudius more. I had my first monty python experience thanks to Dustin's generous giveaways. It was funny. ok, i go practice my guitar. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 5th, 2005
12:26 am	thanks to everybody for saying hello back to me. ...um... i was sure i had more to say....but now i cant think of anything...what the? ok check back later. sorry. this is embarassing. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
1:59 am	hello! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
12:49 am	My performance will be sub-optimal 1/4th of my adult life. absoluetly exhausted. what is with me these days? no amount of sleep is enough. and there is no time for sleep. i pretty much sleep-walked through today. And will it be too much of a taboo for you if i discuss my period? will it shock your senses out of you? because you can complain about your cold, and you can complain about your headache, but you cant complain about the passive yet persistent pain in your lower abdomen, even when it feels like something bigger than your own head is slowly working its way outta there. I exaggerate, i know. I am even pretty damn lucky, I have it easy. But when in public, not only can you not complain about it, you cant even let it show in your face that you are in pain. Because that will lead to questions...and nobody wants to hear that awkward answer. Oh Cruel World, Acknowledge My Pain! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
12:01 am	since you all want to know... Vinny is god because he made a reference to Oreo. So he knew without anyone telling him, that oreo would somehow be involved here. Just like god is said to know everything that will happen. Also, I think Vinny would make an excellent god. not like the wrathfull, avengefull, I-do-bad-things-for-the-hell-of-it-and-you-just-keep-thinking-there-is-a-real-better-reason-for-it-all-you-suckers god that we have now. Also, I have said this before and I'll say it again: Ebola is a bitch! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
11:55 pm	Vinny is God. The conference went fine. I woke up that morning and knew that it would be fine. And it was. The food...average. The mouse: named Mikey. After he ran into the cupboards under the sink, we taped the thing up and gave it a few days. When we reopened it, all we found was a lot of Mikey dung and a couple of holes. The holes have been patched, the dungs, eradicated with bleach. The situation: under control. And now our appartment has a new pet: named Oreo. He arrived today with taxi. the poor thing doesnt like car rides. He got so nervous he pooped in his cage. Now he is ok though. after a couple of hours of under-my-bed shyness, he has now reassumed his usual position on my bed with his usual majestic mannerism. He has also already pooped here in his poophouse once, ate his food, and chased after his lazer. So he is settling in nicely. The roommates are happy too. They have already adopted the high-pitched "pishypishy" chant that Oreo responds to. Maryam: happy. (4 Comments |Comment on this)